“It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties
now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another,
and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone
- "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.
“Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally
I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that
thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
“I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau
and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?"
“Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I
had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She
spent that night at her mother's.
“I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't
stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
“This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after
my conversation with the boss. Honey," I confessed, "I've
been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she
said, "and I want a divorce!"
“ "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
“ "It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You
think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
“ "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently,
and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library,"
I snarled as I stomped out the door.
“I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with
NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big
glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day,
I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
“As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering
for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking
ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line.
It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why
I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
“I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences
about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my
job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.
