fun news

C O L O U R K E 'Y

topic archives: fun: for previously archived fun news articles, visit the news archive page (click on the button to the left)

VII-2005: 09 22 26 VIII-2005: 17 26 28
IX-2005: 04 07 08 16 17 26 28 X-2005: 26
XI-2005: 11 12 16 27 28 XII-2005: 04 17 19 23 23-2 24 27 29 30 31

take down those euro-nikkers, say posturing politicians!

Let’s outlaw fun. Meet the inspiring sight of vested interests in Austria of all descriptions, scrambling for publicity as Austria moves towards Euro-presidency.

“All the posters are on display throughout the Austrian capital Vienna on 400 billboards until 24 January when they will be moved on to Salzburg.”
—
“As part of an independent cultural project it is unclear whether the posters can in fact be ordered removed.”

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women...

“By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

“And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

“The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

“ "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hours a day."

“The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

“ "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

“ "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

“ The Lord, becoming irritable, replied, "Let me alone, I'm busy. What d'you want? Bells on it?!" ”

Thanks to Charity [with mischevious alteration to original].

annoying the appeaceniks

“Footprint of the American Chicken” Image credit: lifelibertyetc.com	War has never solved anything, except .... Image credit: blackfive.net

it has long been known that....

“ "It has long been known" ... I didn't look up the original reference.

“ "A definite trend is evident" ... These data are practically meaningless.

“ "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" ... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published. ”

And more.

updated: google’s festive tails

Day 5

Feline and murine co-operation and ingenuity, unfolded in daily episodes. All five images at provided link.

oh the trauma of it!

“Desecrating a flag, the bill declares, "causes more than pain and distress to the overwhelming majority of the American people and may amount to . . . a direct threat to the . . . emotional well-being of individuals at whom the threat is targeted.” [Quoted from newyorkmetro.com]

Hillary Clinton is “like a very earnest Vulcan who has closely studied Earth politics”.
page 1 page 2

An interesting mix of “put the knife into Hillary” and hard-boiled American political analysis. Another bit of American culture now creeping stealthily towards the rest of the world.

recommended scan.

muslim barbie page 1 page 2

Fulla, the devout Muslim Barbie doll

“The Space Toon store in Damascus, Fulla's home town, gives a whole section over to its local girl made good. The dolls are packaged either as Fulla "with her outdoor fashion" — hijab and coat combination, or full black chador — or as "indoor Fulla" in trendy and often tight-fitting clothes that Barbie might be happy to borrow. Both dolls are, in fact, of very similar size and construction, and some are even manufactured by the same sub-contractor in China.”

Price: 100 shekels [$21].

amazing buildings of dubai

The Burj Al- Arab building, Dubai. Image credit: funonthenet

Some other building projects, mostly yet to be started, at Dubai.

the web address for the item above is
https://www.abelard.org/news/fun2005_5.php#dubai_191205

the mad revisionist strikes a new blow for lunacy

An excellent site applying the technology of denialists to many unsupportable dogmas.

Discover the great moon hoax. Despite lying ‘scientists’ using old discredited techniques, it has been conclusively proven by expert denialists that the moon most definitely does not exist.

All your questions answered; the moon hoax is examined under various headings:

“What evidence do we have that there really is a moon?

“You can see it.

“ But don't all qualified scientists and astronomers agree that there is a moon?
But who could or would perpetrate such a hoax?
What about that "moon landing" that took place in 1969, and all of the subsequent "moon landings", as well as pictures taken by satellites and telescopes?
But don't the astronauts who claim to have walked on the moon count as eyewitnesses?
And what about the "moon rocks" that these astronauts brought back with them?
Hasn't the moon been mentioned in texts and literature throughout history?
But what motive could someone have for falsifying the moon?
But the Moon was worshipped by the ancients, long before there was the technology to create such a hoax.
What about references to the moon in the Bible?
The tides of the oceans are created by the gravitational pull of the moon.
Okay, but I still find this all hard to believe. What evidence do you have that there is no moon?”

And now you can discover that the Great Jewish Hoax that has gone all undetected by ordinary gullible historians. The researchers at the Mad Revisionist site have discovered that there are no Jews and never were. The arguments are revealed by a genuine secret Jew.

a young democrat advertising her wares with subtlety and humour

For those unfamiliar with US political party symbols, the Republicans have the elephant, the Democrats a donkey, sometimes known as an ass!.

Why?

In 1828, Democrat presidential candidate Andrew Jackson, running under the slogan “Let the people rule”, was called “jackass” by his opponents. Jackson turned this to his benefit, using a donkey on his campaign posters. Later, in 1870, Harper's Weekly political cartoonist, Thomas Nast, used the donkey to represent Democrats. A few years later, in another cartoon, Nast showed an elephant as being the only animal not scared of the donkey in a lion’s skin.

sounds of nature

dunes

“By comparing several singing dunes and two controlled experiments, one in the laboratory and one in the field, we here demonstrate that the frequency of the sound is the frequency of the relative motion of the sand grains. The sound is produced because some moving grains synchronize their motions. The existence of a velocity threshold in both experiments further shows that this synchronization comes from an acoustic resonance within the flowing layer: if the layer is large enough it creates a resonance cavity in which grains self-synchronize.”

icebergs sound like this!

Some background text:

“Schlindwein believes that the iceberg tremors are caused by water flowing through crevasses inside it. This flow occurs when an iceberg bangs against the sea floor and slows down.

“The water inside keeps moving and the high pressure of the water rushing through the tunnels sets their walls vibrating, producing regularly spaced tremors. A similar mechanism could explain the signals from volcanoes, Schlindwein suggests.”

fold it! [flash]

Full, fairly clear instructions.

A purist might moan about cutting and tape-use, but the result is pretty and pretty good. No more twisting and wetting the nose for the right weight balance is needed.

“Their plane, nicknamed Avenger, [...] won a competition set by airline Jet2.com to design the ultimate paper plane.” [Quoted in Yorkshire Post]

rule of law versus ‘art’ - put that feelthy fag out

“Lo Monaco was smoking, in line with the script, while playing the main character on Sunday in Miller's "A View from the Bridge" at a theatre in the northeastern city of Mestre, when a woman from the audience shouted "Put out that cigarette".

“After a 15-minute suspension, the performance resumed with a modified script and a non-smoking protagonist.”

rock with jeezus on the shores of galilee

“With that in mind, the Israeli ministry of tourism has gone public with a plan to build - in partnership primarily with American Evangelical churches - a sprawling Holy Land Christian Center on the northern shores of the Sea of Galilee, home to some of the most notable chapters in Jesus' ministry. The center, to be built on approximately 125 acres that the Israeli government is offering free of cost, would be a Christian theme park and visitors' center, one that would be particularly attractive to Evangelicals and other Christians who want to spend more time in the places where Jesus walked.

“Highlights may include a Holy Bible Garden, full of plants and trees mentioned in the New Testament, and equipped with quiet sites for reflection and prayer. A Sea of Galilee Amphitheater will overlook the mouth of the Jordan River and hold 1,500-2,000 worshippers. And the park will have a Christian Experience Auditorium and a Multimedia Center. The center would also feature an online broadcast center, which would give religious leaders an opportunity to address their followers back home, live, near the tranquil blue waters of the Sea of Galilee (which today is considered a lake).”

google uk celebrates armistice day 1918

the web address for the item above is
https://www.abelard.org/news/fun2005_5.php#google_armistice_111105

rome bans fish bowls - going round and round

“ "Rome stands out for recognizing that fish are interesting individuals who deserve our respect and compassion every bit as much as dogs and cats and other animals," said Karin Robertson, with PETA's "Fish Empathy Project".”
—
“The northern city of Turin passed a law in April to fine pet owners up to 500 euros ($598) if they do not walk their dogs at least three times a day.”

At least, like Emperor Nero, modern Roman politicians know what is more important than their population.

the web address for the item above is
https://www.abelard.org/news/fun2005_5.php#fish_bowls_261005

now here’s an entrepreneur with the right attitude!
- sick and tired of socialists??

“Conservative Match offers much more than matchmaking, we bring singles together for friendship, romance and marriage.”
—
“Sweethearts not bleeding hearts”

vatican once more in the middle ages

“The Vatican is to ban all gay men from joining the clergy even if they accept a vow of celibacy, reports say.”

In times gone by, when the Church of Rome was seeking to judge annulment of marriage on the grounds of non-consumation, they took the accused husband, had him drop his trews, and paraded naked ladies in front of him to ‘test his reactions’.

Is this the return of such tests?

If the husband showed no ‘excitement’, the annulment could go through.

Now, I guess they’ll be lifting the priest’s frock and then banning them if they also do not show a reaction.

How the wheel it does turn.

france to buy back louisiana

“ "This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again." ”

I look forward to more detailed reports from the onion and imao.

come into my parlour, said the spider to the german lunatic

Now for a variant of the Darwin award, the Genghis award - for wholesale destruction. Here is the first nominee.

“[...] she tried to kill spiders in a garage with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter.
—
“Fire-fighters managed to extinguish the blaze and save the neighbouring house, which sustained broken windows and some charring. The spokesman estimated the total cost of the damage at well over 100,000 euros. No one was hurt.

“ "The family have had to look for somewhere else to stay," he said. "The spiders are gone though – that problem was solved." ”

Lead thanks to the auroran sunset.

humphries applies for a post as official burnley nightclub comedian

“By and large, the politicians come on and I can understand this, you can understand this, to deliver a particular message. Not many of them are as blatant as Gordon [Brown] and if he doesn't get his message across then he will offer you, - well what he does is, he says at some point in the interview when he realises he hasn't got across the prudence bit or whatever it happens to be.

“He will say 'I've got three points to make in answer to that question, and then he will go one . . two . . three . . and by the third point you're beginning to lose the will to live.”

Note:

• John Humphries has worked as a reporter and radio anchor man at the BBC for many decades.
• Gordon Brown is the current UK Chancellor of the Exchequer/Finance Minister.

lance legstrong threatens france where it hurts

“But he's also spent the last two weeks angrily denying reports by the French newspaper L'Equipe that said tests showed he used a performance-enhancing blood booster in the 1999 tour.

“Armstrong first hinted of a comeback in an interview Monday with the Austin American-Statesman. An Armstrong spokesman on Tuesday said the comments were a joke, but within hours, the cyclist confirmed it was possible.

“ "I'm thinking it's the best way," to anger the French, he told the newspaper. "I'm exercising every day." ”

related material
the greatest athelete in the world, as retirement beckons
the why and the how of lance armstrong, champion cyclist

the grand canyon - walking through time

“The Grand Canyon, one of America's best examples of the passing of time, will start teaching its visitors about the meaning of millions and billions of years. The South Rim of Arizona's natural wonder will soon feature a "Trail of Time," by which hikers can walk 4.6 kilometers (nearly 3 miles) and see rock laid down at most geological periods of Earth's history.”

“The current version of the exhibition includes the full scaled trail of earth history (the 'Grand Canyon Trail of Time' and the 'Early Earth Trail') as well as an expanded section that moves visitors through a series of changing time/distance scales (the 'Canyon Trail') that allows for a shift from the daily human perspective (years) to decades, hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands, and finally to the almost-unimaginable (!) 'illions'... millions of years [...]” [Quoted from epswww.unm.edu]

The newly opened Trail of Time and with the Skywalk, opened in March 2007, are both on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon in Arizona.

skywalk, grand canyon - update March 2007, previously architecture in the modern world

Skywalk structure run out to overhang the Grand Canyon
Image credit: Destination Grand Canyon

• opened: 20 March 2007 for VIPs, including Apollo astronaut Buzz Aldrin.
• open to the public: 28 March 2007
• opening times: dawn to dusk, mostly on first come, first serve basis
• price: $25 per person (plus Grand Canyon West entrance package cost)
• Skywalk construction: cantilever shaped glass walkway
• deck materials: three DuPont SentryGlas(R) Plus structural interlayers and four layers of Saint-Gobain Diamant(R) low-iron glass
• glass weight: 90 tons
• glass thickness: 3 inches (some report up to 5 inches thickness)
• thin top glass layer replaceable to maintain scuff-free views
• two steel box beam supports
• eight concrete columns reinforced by cement and rebar
• deck secured by 108 “micro-piles” sunk 46 feet into rock
• structural beams: over 450 tonnes steel, including shock absorbers that reduce bouncing from many people walking.
• deck projection beyond rim of the Grand Canyon: 70 feet, 10 feet wide
• height above the floor of the Grand Canyon: 4,000 feet, canyon floor visible through the ultra-clear glass walkway
• deck capacity: one hundred and twenty people
• deck strength: support approximately 100 pounds per square foot, able to withstand 8.0 magnitude earthquake and 100 mph winds
• numbered shoe covers will be issued to each walkway visitor, to avoid scratches and slipping
• Skywalk structure rollout, with the glass in place, was scheduled for 27 February to 2 March 2007
• construction images
• Skywalk facility to include 6,000 square-foot visitor’s centre on three levels,
  with museum, cinema, VIP lounge, gift shop, restaurants and bars
• cost: $20 million
• location: 3-hour drive from Las Vegas
• slideshow of Grand Canyon images part-way down this linked page

Sketch map showing location of Skywalk. Image credit: www.snopes.com

Glass-enclosed walkway proposed for the Grand Canyon.
Image credit: Destination Grand Canyon

“As owners and protectors of one million acres of land throughout the Grand Canyon's western rim, the Hualapai [Tribe]'s main goal is to keep a balance between form, function and nature, while protecting the tribe's culture and values, which are deeply engraved in the canyon walls.

“The Skywalk will be the featured attraction once it opens to the public in January 2006. Visitors will be able to walk around the first-ever cantilever shaped glass bridge that will be suspended more than 4,000 feet above the Colorado River and extend over the edge of the Grand Canyon.”

related material
architectural wonders and joys
The Hoover Dam
Hoover Dam Canyon Bridge or the Mike O'Callaghan-Pat Tilman Memorial Bridge

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i felt the holy spirit come upon me - islington religionism

This item is surreal.

“Pentecostalism-the faith of former attorney general John Ashcroft”

“ [...] the introduction of arena-style screens in churches, replacing hymnals and freeing up people's hands to clap and wave.”
—
“Empowerment is at the heart of Pentecostalism, which has burgeoned from a single Spirit-touched believer at a Kansas Bible school at the turn of the last century to 30 million adherents in America and more than half a billion worldwide. Marching under the Pentecostal banner is a host of denominations whose names roll off the tongue like a voice from heaven: Church of God, International Church of the Foursquare Gospel, International Pentecostal Holiness Church, the Assemblies of God. Among them is a tiny Brooklyn storefront church whose sign grandly proclaims the Cathedral of Deliverance. This is where 43-year-old Ron Cox, who left his mother's large Southern Baptist church in his teens, now lives and works as an assistant to the bishop, Steven Wagnon. He tried Hinduism, but it failed to move him; looked into Buddhism, but lost interest when a Buddhist couldn't tell him the meaning of her chant. But one summer night recently, guided by the voice of God to a Pentecostal revival in full-throated swing, he was transfixed by the sight of worshipers so moved by the Holy Spirit that they were jumping, shouting and falling to the floor in a faint. Soon he, too, was experiencing the ecstasy of the Holy Spirit. Once, it seemed to lift him right out of his body:

” "I felt the Spirit come upon me, and it was an overwhelming presence. It was bliss. I thought only 10 or 15 minutes had passed, but three hours had gone by. And I remember just shouting, 'Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!' " ”

“The bliss Cox felt was mingled with awe-the Holy Spirit was inside his very own body [...]”

the elements - animation (no socialists please)

Click on broadband or dial-up and let it run!

related material
Tom Lehrer

intelligent falling theory set to replace gravity in american education

“Burdett added: "Gravity - which is taught to our children as a law - is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power." ”

Who noticed my brilliant title?!

the why and the how of lance armstrong, champion cyclist

The why - mentally:

“Cancer showed Lance how much he was really capable of, and how little of his capacity he had actually been using.

“Now he had a second chance, but for what? You don't build a race car to run errands, and Lance decided he could only apply the lessons he learned from cancer to a goal of immense value. For a bike racer, the Tour de France is the biggest, hardest, most prestigious race you can win, so that's where he directed the full force of his newly found focus.” [Quoted from SFGate.com]

Sports scientists agree that Armstrong is one of the most disciplined and focused athletes in the world. [Quoted from nationalgeographic.com page1]

The why - physically:

“His oversized heart can beat over 200 times a minute and thus pump an extraordinarily large volume of blood and oxygen to his legs. His VO2 max—the maximum amount of oxygen his lungs can take in, an important measurement for an endurance athlete—is extremely high.”
—
“In addition to a high VO2 max, Coyle's components include low lactic acid levels, and Armstrong has the lowest levels Coyle has ever seen.

“When people reach exhaustion, their muscles build up acid, which causes the muscles to stop contracting. But Armstrong's muscles produce about half as much acid as the average person's muscles do when they get fatigued. This allows him to recover much faster than other people.”
—
“At 21, Armstrong had a distinctly average 21 percent muscle-efficiency rate. Seven years later that rate had increased to 23 percent, a huge leap. [Quoted from nationalgeographic.com page 2]

The how:

“Researchers suggest there may be two ways to improve [muscle] efficiency through training.

“One way is to train for higher maximum capacity—in other words, to increase the upper limit of performance (as a sprinter might). Another way is to train for greater submaximal capacity—to expend less energy for sustained performance (as a marathoner might).

“Armstrong did both.” [Quoted from nationalgeographic.com page 2]

“Over the past seven years, Lance's year-round focus on every detail of his Tour de France preparation set him head and shoulders above his competition. He changed the way cyclists prepare for major events, altered the way athletes approach nutrition and body weight, and had a big impact on the technology and equipment used in the professional peloton.” [Quoted from SFGate.com]

related material

• le Tour de France 1: the greatest show on Earth
• le Tour de France 2: preparing for the Great Day
• le Tour de France 3: the Great Day arrives
• Le Tour de France 4: in the Pyrenées
• Le Tour: photo album 1
• Le Tour: photo album 2

der beginund jerman fliten termens

stolen from Braden blog

German Aviation Terminology
AIRCRAFT — Der Fliegenwagen

JET TRANSPORT — Der Muchen Overgrössen Biggenmother Das ist fliegen Highenfaster mit all der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)

PROPELLER — Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster

ENGINE — Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airflöggenfan Pushenthruster

JET ENGINE — Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker mit Compressorsqueezen und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)

CONTROL COLUMN — Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick

RUDDER PEDALS — Der Tailschwingen Yawmakenwerks

PILOT — Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker

PASSENGER — Der Dummkopf das est Strappened en der Baacken mit der other Dummkopfs das est Expecten to leave undgo on Scheduledtimen und Arriven mit der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen

STUDENT PILOT — Der Dummkopf dass Learnen Fliegen und Hopen to Jobenfinden mit der Airlinens

FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR — Der Timenbuilder mit less den 1000 Hrs Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dummkopfs to Fliegen vile Waitenwatchen für der Letter mit der Joböffering von United

AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT — Das Grosse Overpaiden und Underwerken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck dat Fliegen mit das Big Airlinen

PARACHUTE — Der Stringencotten das ist usen to Floaten der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker down to Earthen ven der Fliegenwagen ist Kaputen

FAA — Der Friggenfliegen Dummkopf Schmucks das Maken Alder Rülens und Regulations

HELICOPTER — Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist Fliegen by der Dummkopfs vas ist too Stupiden für Knowen des Maschinens ist not Safen für Fliegen.

“something must be done, even if it doesn’t work.” - geldof

How much longer will the mass of sane people be able to stop creasing up....?

“Donald Trump had it right: rebuild the ugly muthas but make 'em taller, and stick a giant extended middle finger on the top of each one”
—
“ The only surprise is that they didn't invite the Wahabis to build a memorial madrasa on the site, in the interests of multicultural outreach.”
—
“ But somehow the World Trade Center Memorial Cultural Complex has wound up mostly in the hands of something called the 'International Freedom Center', on whom millions of taxpayers' dollars have been lavished in return for a display that will place the events that took place on that ground in the 'broader context' of Native American genocide, black lynchings, Pinochet, the Holocaust, not to mention Gitmo and Abu Ghraib.”

(yes, it’s Steyn ageyn.)

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